Voices at the Roundtable

I have always struggled to sleep. Legit reasons from not being safe as a child. Chaos. Trauma. I spent years self medicating in so many ways. Over exercising. Drinking. Reading. Meditating. My latest long term habit has been to listen to various books on my phone. I’ve listened to ALL of the Outlander series books ... maybe 30 times each. If anyone knows what I’m talking about ... these books are HUGE! Pretty sure my heart struggles now are a direct brush stroke of a lifetime of not feeling safe. Truth though is for many of those years I WAS safe. Tho I didn’t *feel* that. Truth is that the inner ways of our being, when we don’t feel safe super deep down, it’s real hard for the logical brain to be the dominant voice. Funny (not funny) how alcohol can numb that deep inner wound. It wasn’t until last year, then I decided to do some deep self development/person growth (really look into the damn mirror and cut the shit loose) that I got down to that wound. Hard as hell. Not pretty and still cleaning myself up. I’m 4 days clean from the book listening. Last night my mind was busy but I did some praying. I have a couple of binkie still. CBD oil to help sleep. My person cuddles me to sleep (first time I’ve let anyone (human) in my space at night so not sure this is a binkie or not). It’s such a gift, the cuddles, his heart beat slows mine down. Like a soft warm blankie w a strong beat that mine lines up with. Anyway. We have to look in the mirror. Be real w ourselves and do some hard work sometimes. To make real changes. Book listening isn’t bad. So ... I could have chosen to not do this work. I do know that the things in my soul need nurturing as it colors another areas of my life. I’d like a bit different. Reflections as I stretch to swim. #ishinenotburn #beautifulrevolution #riseandshine #iamapheonix #wolfpackstrong As a side note. The swim to follow ... fastest 500 to date. Nice solid faster bilateral 500. Winner winner chicken dinner.

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This morning .... I didn't want to get up.  But the loudest voice in my head said ....

GET UP!  IT IS TIME TO HUNT

A bit about me.  I'm your classic HOT MESS train wreck.  I stub my toes daily.  Whack my  new apple watch on a wall corner, repeatedly (daily).  Break stuff because I don't read instructions and just roll through life a complete hot mess.   Smart but can't spell, caring but a little loud and straight forward.  I'm fine with who I am.  I say the F word.  A lot.  And I'm ok with that too.  I do try and ... not offend anyone, but crap ... sometimes it just rolls out my mouth like water in a mountain stream. I live by hope and faith. I LIVE OUT LOUD, DREAM BIG and always try and help those in front of me.  I have acknowledged and come to know the voices in my head.  I lovingly refer to them as the "voices at the roundtable".  I try and get to know each one, give them respect and acceptance.  They all seem to have something valuable to say at various times.  I usually end up getting myself into a place in life that I become exceedingly unhappy if I try and ignore or quiet one of the voices.  ( .... no, I don't have a personality disorder ... )  ( ... or maybe I do and I'm in denial.)

TODAY I experience .... ZEN.  HARMONY.  BLISS.

A huge moment of clarity.  God talking to me.

The Universe lovingly holding me in my space.

A miracle.

2016 and some was stupid hard.  I can not believe the amount of stupid mistakes that I made.  The places that I allowed myself to go.  I will love and cherish the day when I look back and say to myself .... "I wouldn't change a thing."  I am not at that place.  But I will get there.  Where ... I can look back and say ... ok, I learned that and that.  And by learning I mean ... I saw the lesson, I worked on it and I made a permanent change so I didn't repeat it.  I Evolved. At the beginning of 2017 I decided to make some serious changes.  Put my money where my mouth was and do the things that I coach people to do all the time.  Mostly to honor my values and dreams.  Change the things that are holding me back.  Be strong.  So .... I moved to a different city. Back to where my friends and tribe are.  I got a divorce to clean up some personal stuff.  And I decided that I wasn't going to play small anymore and try to stick with the things that I value instead of doing shit half-ass because .... of blah blah blah.  In all this work ... I needed to do some clean up.  Pay some prices and what not.  Well ... the other day I went in to see  my cardio doc.  And yep, what I had suspected, was true.  I had broken my heart.  Yes granted, it seems that I have a genetic disposition for getting these heart issues that are kind of a big ass deal.  Atrial rhythm issues suck, are in your face and F me, are kind of scary.  And lets just say it OUT LOUD.  It's your heart. The soul of you.  All the time I was living 1/2 ass and what not, I knew in the back of my head I was paying a big price, but was too chicken at the time to pony up and do what was needed.  Pause on the "don't be too hard on yourself" thoughts.  You don't know all the details, and sometimes we really do need to take responsibility for our part in stuff.  Learn the lesson.  Make the changes.  Move forward.  Evolve. Holy crap, BK, heavy stuff .... where's the BLISS moment .... So today ... instead of letting myself sleep in and rest, waiting for today's call from the heart doc telling me when he's going to fix my heart next week, I GET UP.  Because that STRONG voice, the WARRIOR at the roundtable, the DARK WOLF (who I love and adore), tells me to ...

GET UP!

IT IS TIME TO HUNT

And the white wolf, (the magic maker and create-er) whispers along side ... it's time to evolve BK.  Do it different. So I get up.  And I'm glad that I do.  I get into the pool.  I start swimming. I have this love/hate relationship with circle swimming.  Usually I'm the slower one, and always holding people up.  Well ... seems that I'm getting faster in the pool and that isn't the case anymore.  Which is awesome.  It was hard tho ... the new heart meds make you a different athlete, so ... it was like swimming in a stranger's body.  Sort of.  But ... I adjust and do the best that I can.  And log in the back of my head that maybe I need to do better warm ups before I get into the H2O. Everyone leaves.  I'm still swimming.   The busy-body voice that is yacking about getting stuff done says to hurry up and get done.  But ... something caught my awareness.  I'm not quite sure what it was.  I've NEVER experienced it in the pool last night.  Now thinking about it ... maybe it was the by-product of practicing the Ganesh mantra in my quiet-time bath last night.  Or the meditations that other luvies are sending my way.  It was so profound tho .... A bit of back story.  I almost drowned when I was little.  Ha.  It's funny that I've always said that I was raised by wolves, meaning that in a negative context but .... I very closely identify with wolves as ... who I am.  Ha. So I was raised by wolves.   And coincidently, I have been drawing them a lot lately. Uh.  Anyway, my story with swimming has been a complete train wreck sprinkled with many panic attacks, kayak rescues and such.  And I'll throw in that I LOVE LOVE LOVE the ocean and for most of my life I have been sooo afraid of the water.  Such a big fat lie I've been carrying around forever.  I WILL BE SURFING in 2020 after IM New Zealand with my peeps! So for me to be COMPLETELY CHILL in the water having this .... PROFOUND and GRACE FILLED moment is truly a miracle.  During a time that I'm getting ready to roll into heart surgery.  Letting someone put me under, control the fact that I'm alive or not and selectively burning my heart ... to fix it. THIS moment was filled with .... thoughts of complete safety.  And lets just say this out loud.  I have not felt safe. Completely safe.  EVER. Maybe a brief snack here and there.  Today tho .... thats the only thought that was really in my head.

YOU ARE COMPLETELY SAFE

While swimming.  hahahaha.  So ... I swam and swam.  And swam some more.  To soak it in.  I literally felt like I was bathing (and more) in ... maybe that is what a little person feels like in there mommas womb. It was that intense yet gentle and peaceful at the same time.

PEACE.  SAFETY

It was so cool.  And most definitely what I needed for my soul today.  I know that it's the Universe.  Has my back, as always.  Hope and Faith.  My PEOPLE praying and meditating for me.  My coach being there for me.  Who's sort of like my big brother.  My decision to be faithful and hopeful.  And who knows what else the Universe mixed in there for me.  I have faith that it's good and true tho.  The feedback was most honored, tells me the decisions made yesterday are on a true(er) path.  Thought I'd share.  I hope that if you need peace and safety, you find how to open yourself up and allow yourself to experience it.  ~namaste #nmf

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