I have always struggled to sleep. Legit reasons from not being safe as a child. Chaos. Trauma. I spent years self medicating in so many ways. Over exercising. Drinking. Reading. Meditating. My latest long term habit has been to listen to various books on my phone. I’ve listened to ALL of the Outlander series books ... maybe 30 times each. If anyone knows what I’m talking about ... these books are HUGE! Pretty sure my heart struggles now are a direct brush stroke of a lifetime of not feeling safe. Truth though is for many of those years I WAS safe. Tho I didn’t *feel* that. Truth is that the inner ways of our being, when we don’t feel safe super deep down, it’s real hard for the logical brain to be the dominant voice. Funny (not funny) how alcohol can numb that deep inner wound. It wasn’t until last year, then I decided to do some deep self development/person growth (really look into the damn mirror and cut the shit loose) that I got down to that wound. Hard as hell. Not pretty and still cleaning myself up. I’m 4 days clean from the book listening. Last night my mind was busy but I did some praying. I have a couple of binkie still. CBD oil to help sleep. My person cuddles me to sleep (first time I’ve let anyone (human) in my space at night so not sure this is a binkie or not). It’s such a gift, the cuddles, his heart beat slows mine down. Like a soft warm blankie w a strong beat that mine lines up with. Anyway. We have to look in the mirror. Be real w ourselves and do some hard work sometimes. To make real changes. Book listening isn’t bad. So ... I could have chosen to not do this work. I do know that the things in my soul need nurturing as it colors another areas of my life. I’d like a bit different. Reflections as I stretch to swim. #ishinenotburn #beautifulrevolution #riseandshine #iamapheonix #wolfpackstrong As a side note. The swim to follow ... fastest 500 to date. Nice solid faster bilateral 500. Winner winner chicken dinner.
Read More »Soft Whispers – Voices at the Roundtable
This morning .... I didn't want to get up. But the loudest voice in my head said ....
GET UP! IT IS TIME TO HUNT
A bit about me. I'm your classic HOT MESS train wreck. I stub my toes daily. Whack my new apple watch on a wall corner, repeatedly (daily). Break stuff because I don't read instructions and just roll through life a complete hot mess. Smart but can't spell, caring but a little loud and straight forward. I'm fine with who I am. I say the F word. A lot. And I'm ok with that too. I do try and ... not offend anyone, but crap ... sometimes it just rolls out my mouth like water in a mountain stream.
I live by hope and faith. I LIVE OUT LOUD, DREAM BIG and always try and help those in front of me. I have acknowledged and come to know the voices in my head. I lovingly refer to them as the "voices at the roundtable". I try and get to know each one, give them respect and acceptance. They all seem to have something valuable to say at various times. I usually end up getting myself into a place in life that I become exceedingly unhappy if I try and ignore or quiet one of the voices. ( .... no, I don't have a personality disorder ... ) ( ... or maybe I do and I'm in denial.)
TODAY I experience .... ZEN. HARMONY. BLISS.
A huge moment of clarity. God talking to me.
The Universe lovingly holding me in my space.
A miracle.
2016 and some was stupid hard. I can not believe the amount of stupid mistakes that I made. The places that I allowed myself to go. I will love and cherish the day when I look back and say to myself .... "I wouldn't change a thing." I am not at that place. But I will get there. Where ... I can look back and say ... ok, I learned that and that. And by learning I mean ... I saw the lesson, I worked on it and I made a permanent change so I didn't repeat it. I Evolved. At the beginning of 2017 I decided to make some serious changes. Put my money where my mouth was and do the things that I coach people to do all the time. Mostly to honor my values and dreams. Change the things that are holding me back. Be strong. So .... I moved to a different city. Back to where my friends and tribe are. I got a divorce to clean up some personal stuff. And I decided that I wasn't going to play small anymore and try to stick with the things that I value instead of doing shit half-ass because .... of blah blah blah. In all this work ... I needed to do some clean up. Pay some prices and what not. Well ... the other day I went in to see my cardio doc. And yep, what I had suspected, was true. I had broken my heart. Yes granted, it seems that I have a genetic disposition for getting these heart issues that are kind of a big ass deal. Atrial rhythm issues suck, are in your face and F me, are kind of scary. And lets just say it OUT LOUD. It's your heart. The soul of you. All the time I was living 1/2 ass and what not, I knew in the back of my head I was paying a big price, but was too chicken at the time to pony up and do what was needed. Pause on the "don't be too hard on yourself" thoughts. You don't know all the details, and sometimes we really do need to take responsibility for our part in stuff. Learn the lesson. Make the changes. Move forward. Evolve. Holy crap, BK, heavy stuff .... where's the BLISS moment .... So today ... instead of letting myself sleep in and rest, waiting for today's call from the heart doc telling me when he's going to fix my heart next week, I GET UP. Because that STRONG voice, the WARRIOR at the roundtable, the DARK WOLF (who I love and adore), tells me to ...GET UP!
IT IS TIME TO HUNT
And the white wolf, (the magic maker and create-er) whispers along side ... it's time to evolve BK. Do it different.

YOU ARE COMPLETELY SAFE
While swimming. hahahaha. So ... I swam and swam. And swam some more. To soak it in. I literally felt like I was bathing (and more) in ... maybe that is what a little person feels like in there mommas womb. It was that intense yet gentle and peaceful at the same time.PEACE. SAFETY
It was so cool. And most definitely what I needed for my soul today. I know that it's the Universe. Has my