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Ducks that heal lies

When we get abandoned as a child, or heck, not have the basics from the beginning … shit can end up being really hard at 45.

As a baby, we learn and thrive in acceptance from our parents. They smile when we smile. We coo when they coo. It’s part of human development. The human baby is so immature when it’s born. Darwin. So we aren’t prepared at all for anything. We are freaking smart as a species but oh so fragile.

So it’s one thing to not have enough. The basics. Food. Water. Safety. Smiles. Hugs. I love yous. Family. Toys. Laughs. Our inner self is there, perfect and whole, yet gets covered with how we manage to provide for ourselves. How we mold ourselves into a human that can survive physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually in this world.

For me. I love stuffed animals. That’s really the only toy I remember having besides some GI Joes I threw into an aquarium. This stuffed alligator. He had these cool teeth that were plastic and kind of fun. He lived in the 2nd drawer of my dresser. So today I have Ganesh. The blue eyed elephant. He goes with me everywhere. Even Julie knows to leave him along. Interesting how we … fill our needs.

On a different note, the feelings and emotions of being abandoned are intense. They are very intertwined with the basic needs of being loved and accepted. Feeling safe. Being left behind can bring with it self-doubt, self-judgement and That stupid and oh so destructive belief (lie)

“I am not enough”

“I am not good enough”

“I don’t deserve”

I’m an engineer and a tri coach, not a therapist with all the smart brainiac words. You get the meaning, and if you’ve experienced a parent leaving or a spouse or or or …. you know what I’m talking about. Our brains do this crazy thing of trying to make sense of things that don’t make sense. A parent leaving a child. That is not what is suppose to happen, there needs to be some sort of reason right?!

Zip forward a couple of years, 10 years, 20 years … and look where we find all the pieces of ourselves. Flavored by so many lies and bullshit beliefs what the inner self can’t seem to get in a word edgewise.

Oh the things that one puts up with, does not adult well … because of these beliefs (lies).

I’m not blaming anyone. Shit happens. People make mistakes. (I do not buy into “the person was doing the best they could at the time”. I find this a big fat f’in copout. Sometimes people puss out and take the easy way out. Sorry. Not sorry).

It’s unfortunate that our “health care” (“human being care”) system (or lack of one) doesn’t deal with this part well. Lives and careers, families and suicides … all flavored by this. Big fat stupid important stuff and we are doing a shitting job at healing our hearts. I have PLETHORA to say about this but I get off track.

So at 30 or 35 or 40 something, or sooner if you’re lucky, you become aware that … you are so much more. And hopefully you get a tiny taste of the possibility of turning inward, that you ARE NOT actually those beliefs.

YOU ARE AWESOME

and maybe

YOU ARE A BADASS

You know what’s the most BADASS. A mom and dad creating a human being and rocking that sh$t out. Shepherding a tiny human being into being a brilliant and loving human adult. THAT is BA. I had the privilege teaching two littles how to read. That’s BA. Again. I digress. Back to the point. You get a breath of the truth, just one is all you need … YOU ARE A BADASS.

So you get to work on healing the heart. And it’s tough stuff. You might meditate to get control of the emotion terrets. You might even think for a moment that you need to stop saying the f word. You might think you really need to change who you are.

And then you hopefully get to the point where you know that, yes, shit might have been F$CKTASTIC but there is no point in blaming others anymore. You can forgive. I don’t think forgetting is necessary as you ARE suppose to be wiser and that doesn’t mean sitting your head in the sand. It means learning and not repeating the mistakes over and over. EVOLVING. If you forgive, the forgetting part really doesn’t matter, as you aren’t hanging that victim bullshit on it. It’s just another artful paint stroke of the YOU canvas. You don’t have to forget to get back to whole and healed.

YOU ARE ALREADY WHOLE

You just need to drop some of what you picked up to help you get through the bad patch.

You become strong enough to be open and love like you were created to do. People leaving and doing hurtful things IS NOT about you. It’s about them. Their lessons. You have your own. Be wise to know the difference.

I left my duck friends in the care of the earth. As it should be. They will return to nurture the earth, trees and other animals. As it should be. I leave thoughts of my alligator there as well, placing more of my heart in Faith and belief that I’m just completely fucking (autocorrected to ducking) FINE.

Because maybe this nagging lie that I’m broken is total bullshit. #nmf

YOU ARE AWESOME!
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Being Judged for Your Painful Monsters

In the pursuit of healing and working to make peace with my "monsters", I have experienced many interesting "episodes" of life that have brought a lot of thoughts into my head and heart. They have have helped me to see how I am doing things that maybe others don't appreciate or aren't useful for their healing. And how it impacts me in my own pursuit of healing.

Let's be real. We all have monsters. Those very soft spots that we work to hide and protect. Yet in doing that, they are like gremlins and reek havoc in what we are calling that pursuit of happiness and success. We have been raped. We have been beaten. We have been left. We have been abused. We have seen shit that is awful. We have done things that are awful. We have made such glorious mistakes that we judge ourselves BAD.

Making peace with those monsters is tough shit. And the funniest of all of this I think, we all know it to be true, is that once we open pandora's box and give it an honest attempt, WORK, to make peace with a monster, that bitch goes sideways and fights back. It gets worse before it gets better. The people around us experience that. We experience that. We are like, what the fuck, why am I doing this ... it's getting harder not better. Those self improvement folks are full of shit. As with any "renovation", like in a kitchen, it gets awfully messy before you see the beauty start to unfold. Before things are functional. Really fucking messing sometimes. Especially if you grow a pair and decide to really face one of your bigger and scary monsters.

THAT is where (and why) you find your tribe. Those people that have your back. That can stand up when you can't. That can see you for you and don't back down and run. That LOVE YOU FOR YOU, not just the good parts that make them feel good.

I sure hope that you have someone(s) around you that are worthy. That they don't all pussy out. I truly believe that is where suicide and fuck this I'm done comes from. We are pretty good at leaving people in the dark.

JUDGEMENT. LEAVING A MAN BEHIND.

It's easy to help and support the rape victim that cries a lot. Needs lots of hugs and is soft and cuddly. It is very hard to help and support the person that has been through some major shit and when they go sideways they react with violence or loud. I mean fuck tho, if you were beaten and raped and left to fend for yourself ... wouldn't it make sense to have a strong warrior, I'm gonna cut you mentality. Seriously. Where in the world did we go so wrong in not having common sense about some things. Some of us react in anger, self defense, PUT YOUR DUKES UP. We have let this pansey ass cultural tell us that folks that get angry are ... wrong. bad. need medicated. don't need grace.

I am not saying that violence is right wrong, whatever. I'm saying that it's something we do when we hurt. And we generally have ZERO grace for that particular type of people that react that way. YES. There is a whole group of folks that feel ... not accepted because they get angry and want to throat punch you, instead of crawl in your lap and cry, or eat their way to china or fuck their way to china.

The folks that can throw down and fight. We value it when it's a police officer saving a little kid from a predator. We don't value it when it's a grown as women that has PTSD and a serious trigger about having to protect herself. We don't value it when it's a soldier that has been beat down in training so much that what they know, how to be a warrior, goes sideways in the "normal" world.

We are so judgmental about some things. We give little grace to some things. We don't zoom out and ask, what actually went on for that person. Where are they hurting. We take things HELLA personally.

OH WAIT, thats about me. Not ... hey, whats going on in their world.

OR

OH WAIT, if I react like this, it distracts me from what this "episode" is actually saying about where I NEED TO WORK. NOPE. I don't need to work, it's only that other person.

Judgement is a BREACH in trust. You are telling them you think they aren't good enough. You are telling them you don't accept them.

Not to mention your judgement feeds their own self judgement and criticism. Fuel for the fire. That fire can make someone stronger and heal, or it can burn them to ashes.

We don't have to go around and coddle all the things people do. Play like it doesn't need to be addressed and them held accountable to their actions. However, we do need to be very careful in how we react. You can burn bridges. You can break trust. You can be wrong. You can hurt others and push them ... away. down.

Do you really want to judge someone and that PUSH THEM DOWN? What if they are just barely making it. What if your lack of compassion, grace and love is the last straw and they say fuck it.

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